It's been a while

I've heard people (my sister in particular) say before that blogging is therapy for them and I've never really quite got that. But lately I've had so much inside that I feel like I need to just "get out" so I figured what tha heck....I will give it a try and see if it makes me feel any better. So here goes.

Since we lost the baby I just haven't been myself AT All and I can't get back to ME. I know that sounds retarded, but that's the only way I know to put it. I'm better and more myself than I've been in a long, long time, but I'm not 100 percent myself yet. I want to be more than anything, but I just can't get there. We wanted the baby so bad and we were SOOO excited about it. We saw the heartbeat twice and that was my reassurance that everything was fine and then wham~the rug was snatched right out from under us and all I could think was I can't believe this is happening and really ever since then it was like I was walking around in a fog or something. Going through the motions of everyday life trying to be as normal as possible for the kids, but my heart just absolutely ached,every second of every day and so did Kyle's. There is no other way to describe it. I felt a grief like I have never ever never felt before. Just a sadness that wouldn't go away. The sadness is still there, but it's better and I don't walk around wanting to cry all the time. I am getting back to my normal self, but it has taken a very long time. Like I just started feeling like the old Jenn again like only about 3 weeks ago. I've always heard people talk about depression or not being able to just get over something, but I never really understood it because I have never in my life been depressed. I just always thought depression was a "choice" kinda sorta. You make a choice to view your cup as half empty OR half full and life happens and you suck it up and look on the bright side. I now know that sadness and grief and depression does exsist and it's real and sometimes things happen that you can just suck up and get over. I guess that was God's way of showing me to have compassion for other people and to be sympathetic to people who are going through things. Which what I went through wasn't really depression, it was more of a grieving process. It just lasted longer than I thought it would. Anyway, I am better and I thank God everyday for all the blessings that he has given me and for our 3 healthy children. We do want one together and if it's God's will, then we will have a little smushed together jenn/kyle running around. Just pray for us that our hearts will continue to heal (mine and Kyle's both) and our joy will continue to creep back in. I guess blogging really IS therapy. I think it did make me feel better to get all that out.

I love ya'll with my whole heart!

Love,
Auntie Jenn